The damage has been done now.

The jokes are no longer in fun.

The way you look at me makes me sick.

Makes me want to stab you in the eye with a burning stick.

How could you talk about me in such a way?

Putting me in a postion without all the right words to say.

I never figured it would come down to this...

down to souly wanting you to burn in hell. 

I now have more hatred for you than I have for drinking bloody piss.

I try to keep my composure as if all is well,

Try to make like I don't already know.

I try to stay strong and just go with the flow.

But then I turn around and there you are,

there to make my day so hard.

 Because the thought of you reminds me of  acid reflux... a painful burning in my heart,

that no matter what i try to do to get rid of it, you are still eating away at my esaphagus.

All I wanted was to know how you truly felt.

Now I wish that I could dangle you off a building by your neck with my belt.

WHY did you hurt me so.

WHY COULDN'T I JUST SAY NO!

and if I have not made my point clear...

when you die...

I will not shed a tear!

 

 

 

The thoughts in my mind race as I continue down the dark alley of life.

Never knowing exactly what to expect, only blindly searching for a hint of light.

As the road continues on I find the air to be damp and stale.

Stumbling over the quaint bumps, ever so clumpsy.

I find excuses to turn back, back to the part of the alley I know.

My comfort zone...my weakness.

Then I finally grow the nerve to venture on... deeper into the mysterious darkness.

Ever so scared, I close my eyes and pray, pray for someone to come and rescue me.

Then the questions start to panic in my mind.

Who is there to save me?

Why would someone do such a thing?

No one could.

Only I can save myself from the darkness that is now consuming my thoughts.

And in some ways... my actions.

"TURN BACK!"  my mind screams.

But, this time there is no return.

Only the darkness left for my lost soul and mind.

Somehow it has become my comfort zone... my way of life.

As I continue on I see, my eyes now accustomed to the dark, a fork in the road.

And finally after such a long, strenuous journey I see light at both ends.

In one of the tunnels the light appears closer than the light in the other tunnel.

Now comes the ultimate choice........which to choose.

Is the tunnel where the light closer an easy way out?

Or is the longer path really a blessing in disguise?

 

 

 

Are you happy now...

 

that I am back in your grasp.

Patiently waiting for a response from you.

Holding on to every word you say.

You do this to me everytime.

And everytime I fall for it.

I think that it is going to change,

that maybe this time will be different.

Only to find exactly the same result...anger.

I could never be mad at you... only at myself.

How dare I fall for your spell again.

How dare I open my heart to let you in.

Knowing that you will slowly eat away at my thoughts.

You get to me somehow.

You always tend to bring me down, back to where I was at before.

Back into the depths of the dark well that I had just

scratched and bled my way out of.

For such a long time I thought I would drown in

the dark, tainted water.

I finally just let myself sink to the bottom.

Then, i found reason.

Reason to fight.

So to the top I would swim,

hoping the horror would end there.

Will someone find me?

NO... I have to do this myself.

I can only remember...

The things you'd say... the things you'd do...

How could I just fall back in?

Why did I let myself be fooled again?

Knowing the end result.

Knowing we could only be friends.

I trust you with my heart and you tie it up with barbed wire.

WHY!!???

What did I do that was so wrong?

Why can I not ever make up for the past?

I tried so hard this time, tried to prove to you that I

had changed, changed into who you wanted me to be.

Changed into something I didn't want to be.

There is no way to impress you.

So are you happy now?

Ofcourse not.

So here I go again,

up the side of the well wall.

I can still see the blood stained claw marks from

the nightmare before.

They are making it easier to make it to the top.

So back to the light I will go.

Only to find myself back in this hole.

 

 

 

A new beginning...

 

is what I am trying to make for myself.

To finally, truely be happy to look in the mirror.

 

I am grasping a hold of my reality.

A reality of independance from those who try

to help but, only make matters worse.

Holding on by my damn near lifeless fingers and

struggling to pick myself up off of the ground.

And with every waking moment I nausiate myself with

the thought of falling again.

Falling into my sickness.

A sickness of wanting them to like me.

A sickness of wanting to impress them by doing

things to make them happy.

Stepping away from the life I have made to

become the person everyone wants me to be.

Even though I am not the most successful atleast

I can say that I am conscious of my surroundings.

Which in my opinion is a success in itself.

I might still be on my bloody knees, but I am determined to

escape the life that they wanted to live through me and make

myself into a person whom I am able to live with for the rest

of my miserable exsistance.

 

And maybe even one day see through the mirror.